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Respite For the Weary
Whew, adult-parenting is tough.
Whew, nobody forewarned me about "adult children." The term alone is an oxymoron. Our kids are "all gown up," out there in the world, but our hearts are as bound to them as when we were holding them in our arms as infants.
So, how do we love them well at this juncture in their lives?
Having been in this stage now for over a decade, with two children in the 20's and two in their 30's, plus gaining 3 more children with their respective spouses, I have had plenty of opportunity to experience trial and error in parenting on this journey. Along with their triumphs and blessings each child has also gone through heartache, hardship, and loss in some way. (One year in particular was even labeled "the year of tears" by two of my children. A tough year for sure.) Watching them go through these things is hard on a momma's heart.
When looking at this journey in an overarching way, I have 3 insights that God continues to remind me when navigating my adult children's highs and lows:
1. Be patient. I must remember that God is not done. He is always working. When I think of my own life-experience as a 20-30 year-old, I marvel at both my immaturity and insecurity. But this is where God met me. He was gracious and compassionate in my toddler-like-walk with him. He used my circumstances (dashed dreams as an athlete, loneliness as a resident's wife, sadness of 2 miscarriages, drama in my family of origin) to cause me to run to him. He wooed me to his love. He used ALL of these things to mature me, showing me that he is my ALL in ALL. I must remember and take hope that he will do the same for each one of my children.
2. Be prudent. Set healthy boundaries...no helicoptering. I've learned that when they are ready, they'll talk. I need to be a safe place for them to share their heart, listening first, all the while praying for the Lord to speak his wisdom through me. I must resist the strong temptation to fix it for them, whatever "it" is. The best thing I can ever do for them is to point them to Jesus. His word is life-giving in every way.
3. Be prayerful. Prayer is never wasted time, whereas worry is only that. So I must remember to keep prayer as a daily priority; my words to God about my children are loving my children in supernatural ways. This morning I was convicted to get on my knees for one of my adult children in particular. God can do things that I certainly cannot! Ask without doubting and wait expectantly for his answers. Don't forget to thank him when and how he chooses to answer. Share with your children all that you see that God is doing in their lives. It will strengthen their faith.
Be patient.
Be prudent.
Be prayerful.
Your adult children are a beautiful work in progress, as are we.
Do you feel unworthy of love?
(Jesus) left Judea and departed again for Galilee. And he had to pass through Samaria. So he came to a town of Samaria called Sychar, near the field that Jacob had given to his son Joseph. Jacob's well was there; so Jesus, wearied as he was from his journey, was sitting beside the well. It was about the sixth hour. A woman from Samaria came to draw water. John 4:3-7
Have you ever felt unworthy? Unworthy of love? Unworthy of acceptance? Unworthy of forgiveness?
The Samaritan in this passage felt this way. She was an outcast, coming to draw water from the well alone, apart from the other women who judged her for her wayward lifestyle. The woman was caught in a cycle of sin that she just couldn’t seem to step out of. Therefore, she wore shame as her cloak, every day.
But then her Savior drew near. Scripture says, Jesus had to pass through Samaria. Why? Because he had a divine appointment with this woman. He knew the exact hour that she would be there so he planned accordingly. He knew everything she had done in her past and everything she was currently doing in her present. He spoke kindly to her; he spoke wisely to her; he spoke truth to her. He offered her life, True Life. Looking at the well that they were sitting beside, he said, “Everyone who drinks of this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks of the water that I will give him will never be thirsty again. The water that I will give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life.” (John 4:13-14).
And the woman, desperate for an escape from the repetitive cycle she was caught in, said, “Sir, give me this water…” (John 4:15). So he poured and kept pouring.
Just like this woman, do you believe that Jesus wants to sit with you, no matter what condition you are in? Messes are the Messiah’s forte. Scripture says, The Lord longs to be gracious to you, and therefore He waits on high to have compassion on you (Isaiah 30:18). Sit with him and talk with him. Let him talk to you. Receive his living words that will both wash you and regenerate you.
Your thirst will never be quenched until you drink in the love of Jesus.
When the conversation had come to an end, the woman left not only her waterpot but also her unworthy disposition behind, and ran to the town shouting with joy, “Come, see a man who told me all that I ever did. Can this be the Christ? And the conversation spread! Scripture goes on to say: many Samaritans from that town believed in him because of the woman's testimony. (John 14:29, 39)
The Living Water is not just for this one woman. Come and drink.
You are worthy, because of your Savior. He has drawn near.
Are you asking "why" right now?
When (Martha) had said this, she went and called her sister Mary, saying in private, “The Teacher is here and is calling for you.” And when she heard it, she rose quickly and went to him… Now when Mary came to where Jesus was and saw him, she fell at his feet, saying to him, “Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died.” When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in his spirit and greatly troubled. And he said, “Where have you laid him?” They said to him, “Lord, come and see.” Jesus wept. John 11:28-35
Are you currently asking God, “Why” right now? Why this problem? Why this tragedy? Why this illness?
Mary and Martha, sisters of Lazarus, were asking Jesus why he had not come when he heard about their brother’s deathly illness. They both knew and stated individually to him when he finally did come, “Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died.” They knew Jesus could have healed him, but he didn’t.
Why?
The answer is found when Jesus was speaking to his disciples earlier: “Lazarus is dead, and for your sake I am glad I was not there, so that you may believe. But let us go to him.” (John 11:14)
Jesus said he was “glad” because he knew the bigger picture. He knew that he was going to raise Lazarus from the dead, which would cause many to believe in him as the Messiah, granting each of these individuals eternal life. However, its important to see that the joy Jesus had over knowing the future was also mixed with his sorrow in the present trial concerning the two sisters he loved. He did not wave aside the raw and real emotions of Mary or Martha; rather he entered into their grief with them. Scripture says, he was deeply moved in his spirit and greatly troubled… Jesus wept. See again what scripture says: Jesus was deeply moved in his spirit. (He was not just slightly saddened). And, he wept. (He was not just misty-eyed).
Jesus does the same for you. Even though he knows the bigger picture which holds the greater outcome, he is compelled to kneel down beside you. His deep emotion and deeper love moves him to wrap his arms around you; he can’t help but weep with you. In his tears, there is healing. In his compassion, there is strength. In his present empathy, there is future hope.
Believe this truth: The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18
Trust the Lord with all your heart with your “why” questions. Feel his embrace, hear his cry, and believe what he says when he whispers in your ear, Weeping may last for the night, but joy comes in the morning. (Psalm 30:5)
Now he was teaching in one of the synagogues on the Sabbath. And behold there was a woman who had a disabling spirit for 18 years. She was bent over and could not straighten herself. When Jesus saw her, he called her over and said to her, “Woman, you are freed from your disability.” And he laid his hands on her and immediately, she was made straight and she glorified God. Luke 13:10-13
Do you have something that is heavy on your heart right now? What is weighing you down?
The woman in this passage has something to teach us. We see that her physical body was bent over and that she could not straighten herself; but, we also see that she had come into the presence of the One who could help. Scripture says that Jesus saw her. She caught his eye while he was teaching and he had compassion on her. He knew all about the disabling spirit that caused her affliction for the past 18 years, so he stopped his teaching and he called her to come to him.
The crippled woman chose to respond to Jesus’ invitation. Her broken body stepped forward. Her eyes had been staring at her shuffling feet for 18 years, but in faith she moved closer to her Healer. The words he spoke to her were beautiful, “Woman, you are freed from your disability.”
Do you believe that just as Jesus cared about this woman, he also cares about you? He sees you. He knows your burdens. He is intimately acquainted with all your ways (Psalm 139:3). He also knows that you are “unable to straighten yourself.” No matter how hard you try, you can’t “fix it.” Just as he called this woman to himself, he is calling you. Hear him say these words to you personally, Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest (Matthew 11:28).
The Savior draws near to you. He has come to set your heart free from any and all burdens that you are carrying. Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. (2 Corinthians 3:17)
Will you respond to his call and approach him in your brokenness? Will you receive his promising words that bring hope within your trial? Will you allow his abiding Spirit to touch your heart with healing? If so, both peace and strength will hold you up as you steadily move forward, head lifted, eyes fixed on Christ.
The sweet ending of the woman’s story, or I should say, the sweet beginning, is that she was made straight and she glorified God.
This can be your story too.
Prayer is hard to define. It's certainly mysterious. I don't know that I will ever fully understand it; however, what I do know is this, I am commanded to do it.
To simply explain prayer to myself and others, I say that it is a pouring out of our hearts to the Lord.
First of all, let's not forget that God poured out first in order that this line of communication is even possible. Through Jesus' death and resurrection, his Spirit now abides in all those who believe in him; so when we pray, we don't have to shout to the heavens to be heard. Rather, he's closer than the air we breath.
So with this in mind, let's start pouring!
We can use the acronym POUR to help us in our communication:
P--Praise
I remember asking God a long time ago, "God, why do I need to praise you? You KNOW who you are." And then I heard a gentle whisper back to my heart, "Yes, I do know, but you don't." Ahh, he was right.
When we acknowledge who God is in our hearts and minds, our faith revives. We humans tend to forget that God is Able and Almighty, Merciful and Compassionate, Holy and True, Intentional and Pursuing. We praise him because he is worthy of it. And we praise him so that we remember that he is Greater than any of our daily issues.
O--Offer thanks
How quickly I can get on the complain-train. Why do I go negative in my thoughts? To remedy this muddled mentality, I must switch tracks. Thankfulness is a choice that I have to make.
What are you thankful for, small and big? Make a mental list, or better yet write it down so you can see God's goodness. If you are reading this post, thank him for your eyes that see the page and your mind that comprehends the words. He IS good. A grateful heart is an uplifted heart. Each word of thanks is like the turning of the wheels on a powerful locomotive moving in the right direction.
U--Unload the "ugly"
Let's face it, we all have "ugly" stuff within us. I know my stuff stinks! I need to pour it out to the only One who can truly clean me up: Jesus. And he is always faithful and just to do it! (1 John 1:9). Let's learn from the physical body that God gave us. Just as he designed us to alleviate waste from our bodies, for our good, he also intends us to confess our sins to him, also for our good. It's not about shame. It's about forgiveness. He can handle the stink. Pour it all out and receive his cleansing with humbled gratitude.
R--Requests
Requests seem to come the easiest for us humans, right? I know I can barge into God's throne of grace and start pleading, "Gimme, Gimme, Gimme!" And with it, I throw in an impatient, "Now!"
It is true that God wants to hear our every request and that he asks us to be specific. Therefore, I will be persistent with my pleas. But, it is as equally true that he wants to hear our praising voices, our thankful voices, and our repentant voices. These different expressions, including our requests, are the making of a melodious symphony in God's ears.
Rejoice, God has poured out his love into us through Christ Jesus. (Romans 5:5)
Now, let's pour out our prayers to him.
In doing so, we will have the privilege of experiencing a personal and loving relationship with our majestic and mysterious God.
Debacle: a sudden and ignominious failure; a fiasco
Double: times 2
On December 23rd, I decided to do something very spontaneous. Fast thinking and fast action are not my norm, but it was 2 days before Christmas, and I was feeling festive. I was with my new daughter-in-law Acacia for the afternoon because our men were out duck hunting.
It was currently 2:15pm, and we were already traveling toward Nashville from a family visit in Clarksville. My heart rate increased slightly when I cautiously asked, "Feel like going to the Amy Grant/Vince Gill Christmas concert at the Ryman?"
Conveniently, the concert started at 3pm. Perfect timing!
Acacia, who lives life in the fun lane, said, "Sure! I'm definitely down for that! I love Amy Grant, but I'm not sure who Vince Giller is." I smiled. (Sorry Vince Giller; I'll introduce your legendary voice to her soon enough.)
It was decided; we were in! While Acacia drove down the interstate, I booked our tickets on-line, quickly put in my credit card information, looked it over, and then hit "purchase"--$135 cha-ching, $135 cha-ching. Whew, spontaneity can be costly! Meanwhile, I waited for the confirmation email that provided the two tickets.
Debacle #1: I waited and waited for the tickets to be sent to me, but they never came. After a little research into my on-line order, I realized that I mistyped my own email when booking the concert. NOOOO!!! This meant that our combined $270 tickets were floating around somewhere in cyberspace.
Not to be defeated, we decided to park and get in line for the concert anyway. After all, I could show them my proof of purchase in spite of not having the tickets, right?
Debacle #2: It turns out the tickets I purchased on-line were from a 3rd party that the Ryman was not accepting for this particular concert. NOOOO double way!! Yes, the concert was a no-go.
My heart rate was now near flat.
Of course it was drizzling outside, so we went back to our $50 parking spot, and sat together in the car to discuss what we should do about this "sudden and ignominious failure; this fiasco." We made a phone call or two to cancel the tickets, but to no avail. But because we were in downtown Nashville, and because we had this gold-lined-parking spot for several hours, and because it was the most wonderful time of the year, we decided that the show must go on in some way.
That's how we ended up at the Frist Art Museum. A little down and a little dazed, we walked around and observed the art, we appreciated the art, and then we ourselves did some hand's on art. Now I'm not an artist like my daughter-in-law, but I am a fighter, and I was absolutely going to have a jolly good time, sitting there, sketching the life size mannequin soldier that stood before me, all the while resisting the thought of Amy Grant and Vince Giller singing "Winter Wonderland" in perfect harmony down the street.
Lost in my black and white sketch marks, the clock struck 5pm. The Frist was closing. It was time to put our pencils down and exit.
As Acacia and I walked out of the art museum and onto the downtown lit-up city streets of Nashville, we chuckled about the unexpected unfolding of our afternoon: the paid-for concert that almost happened; the memory-in-the-making that did.
Then, right there on the street corner, spontaneity hit... I took my soldier sketch that I was holding in my hand and waved it eagerly above me, saying,
"Anybody want to buy some art for $270?"
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PS To finish this story on a positive note, my husband Mac, who has become quite used to my debacle-lifestyle, was extremely gracious to me when Acacia and I came in the door that night, asking how the concert went. Bless him (again). And not only that, later in the week, he was able to dispute the charge and cancel the credit card transaction altogether. So he saved the day! Maybe I should thank him by taking him to a concert at the Ryman! What do you think?
I'm not a "glitter girl," but I was wearing a gown that shimmered.
I'm not a "look at me" personality, but it was my turn to be center-stage.
I'm not a "dancing queen," but my number was called.
The mother-son dance was here. My daughter Maggie whispered in my ear just before the dance,
"Mom, you can do this."
Then, Davis walked over, took my hand and led me to the spacious dance floor. With Ben Rector's lyrics in the background, the lights twinkling overhead, and the gentle breeze blowing around us, I looked up into my 6' 2" son's eyes, and savored my "little boy."
For 3 more minutes, he was all mine. I remembered my friend telling me earlier to pretend no one was watching, so at that moment, just he and I existed.
We slowly swayed to the lyrics:
"...Dream on,
Dream on,
Even when you're afraid all your dreams may be gone,
Just dream on,
Dream on..."
I took a moment to affirm Davis. I told him how he was like his daddy: tall, dark, handsome, a leader, and a "fisher of men."
I then told him how he was like me: a deep well, desiring others to go deep with him, kindhearted, and gospel driven.
The song kept playing; we kept swaying.
Words from the past: "Dream on."
Words for the future: "Dream on."
I told him I was so proud of him and that I loved him,
And, and...
Then--my cue; the song was nearing its end. The words came so quickly--
"Dream on,
Dream on,
To infinity and far beyond;
Maybe they'll take you fabulous places,
Maybe you'll wake up right where you belong."
With these words, I had one last twirl before I handed him over to Acacia his bride.
I wanted the last stanza of the song to be theirs.
I stepped back to the edge of the dance floor, now empty-handed, but heart full of certainty.
He was right where he belonged.
She is now his number one.
Can a heart rejoice and weep at the same time?
My dress sparkled, my eyes glistened, and my hands folded in a prayer.
I watched the newlyweds gracefully move together, swaying to the first stanza of their life:
"Dream on,
Dream on,
When the world says you're crazy just tell them they're wrong;
When the wold says you're crazy just tell them they're wrong,
and dream on."
Yes, my son, with your beautiful bride in your arms...dream on.
It is true that some preach Christ out of envy and rivalry, but others out of goodwill. The latter do so in love, knowing that I am put here for the defense of the gospel. The former preach Christ out of selfish ambition, not sincerely, supposing that they can stir up trouble for me while I am in chains. Philippians 1:15-17
Dear Lord,
Please help us to check our motives in ALL that we say and do. Help us to be driven by your love, rather than self love. If we have ulterior motives, convict us quickly and then help us to confess and repent just a fast. May our heart's desire be pure in all the decisions we make today. Amen.