… Put on the new self … Christ is all, and in all … put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience; bearing with one another, and forgiving each other … and beyond all these things put on love, which is the perfect bond of unity.
~Colossians 3:10-14

Dear Molly,

As you grow in your understanding of Christ’s love for you, His words and His ways will become evident in you. This is God’s plan for your marriage – stay rooted and grounded in the love of Christ, so you may be able to give His love to Ryan. Remember, God’s love is the “perfect bond of unity.” Daily seek Him, so you can daily love your husband.

I want to recommend a book called The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman, which has been a wonderful asset to me in understanding how I can best “daily love” Mac. The book describes the five languages in detail: physical touch, acts of service, gift-giving, words of affirmation, and quality time. Showing all these languages is essential in your marriage, but realize some are more prominent in speaking love to Ryan. Knowing his love languages will help you direct your energy and focus. For example, in our marriage, Mac appreciates a home-cooked meal (drats), which is acts of service. But of course, I appreciate a date with him alone, which is quality time. So, we have learned to give to each other – I work in the kitchen; he takes me out (bless him). Also, words of affirmation are important to both of us. I have realized I need to be intentional on building him up as a husband, as a daddy, and as a doctor. And he has realized well-thought through, uplifting words are like a bouquet of flowers for me. Find out each others’ love languages and speak them intentionally.

Realize this too, Molly: sometimes loving is easy and sometimes it’s not. That’s why Scripture says to "put on love". We, because of sin, are not able to love others more than we love ourselves. But if we take off the old self, and put on the new, which is Christ in us, we can love in this self-sacrificing way!

To illustrate, sometimes making a home-cooked meal after a long stressful day is the absolute last thing I want to do! But for the sake of the unity of the family, I need to provide dinners at home for Mac and the children a reasonable amount of nights each week. Thankfully, Mac is not overly picky concerning the food set before him (bless him again)!

I encourage you, Molly, to call on Christ in time of need, and His strength will help you love Ryan in spite of your temporary emotions, your occasional fatigue, or your possible stressful circumstances. “Christ is all, and in all” … and through His strength, you can “put on love.”

Love, Chris

But put on the Lord Jesus Christ.
~Romans 13:14

You will also be a crown of beauty in the hand of the Lord, and a royal diadem in the hand of your God. It will no longer be said to you, “Forsaken,” nor to your land will it any longer be said, “Desolate”; But you will be called “My delight is in her,” and your land “Married”; For the Lord delights in you …
~Isaiah 62:3-4

The kingdom of heaven is like a merchant seeking fine pearls, and upon finding one pearl of great value, he went and sold all that he had, and bought it.
~Matthew 13:45-46

Dear Molly,

This is my sixteenth letter written to you, but it will come first, before all the others. I just got back from your wedding, and I learned yet another lesson in marriage. I have been taught this before, but now I want to treasure this truth: marriage is a high gift from heaven. Husband and wife have the awesome privilege of portraying the beautiful picture of God’s love for his people.

Ryan’s love for you is intense and intentional; similarly, Christ, the Groom, pursues His cherished bride in this way. You are Ryan’s one pearl of great value; likewise, Christ purchased His pearl, His people, with His life. Christ’s love was so great that He died for His bride. I imagine Ryan’s heart was pounding with great expectation as you walked down the aisle towards him; I know God’s heart rejoices with singing when His people answer His beckoning plea of “Come.”

Your love for Ryan radiated through your beauty. Your smile and your eyes said, “I have found the one my soul loves.” We, the bride, are complete when we find our Husband, Jesus Christ. Your celebration of love at the wedding was worshipful – the bridesmaids, family, and friends. Know this also: the angels in heaven burst forth in song when one sinner, in faith, says “I do.” The preparation for your wedding was thought through explicitly and uniquely – the flowers (wow!), your exquisite dress and veil, the beautiful music. Again, we the bride, are looking forward to the day when we will stand before our Husband in unblemished white forevermore.

Thank you, Molly, for this refresher lesson concerning the intense love between the bride and groom. My heart was touched with the love you and Ryan share. I pray you will hold high this honorable gift of marriage for years to come.

Love, Chris

And I saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, made ready as a bride adorned for her husband.
~Revelation 21:2

The Lord appeared to him from afar, saying “I have loved you with an everlasting love; therefore I have drawn you with loving-kindness.”
~Jeremiah 31:3

And as the bridegroom rejoices over the bride, so your God will rejoice over you.
~Isaiah 62:5

Dear Molly,

I, like you, had the privilege of marrying the love of my life.

I am so thankful to be married to my “knight-in-shining armor.” In the very early stages of “wedded bliss,” I learned my first lesson concerning marriage. After only a few months, I became very aware of the fact that my “knight” was human. He got tired; he made mistakes; sometimes, he failed me completely. I became confused and disappointed because I thought he was to be the one to “fill my cup.” I expected him to meet my every need. Where had the in-love feeling of the anticipating engagement gone? The “happily ever after” had been invaded too quickly by the reality of life. Mac’s love letters were replaced with the hard, exhausting work of a medical resident. I was in a new city, away from all family. As a newlywed, life with my love was hard; and I was lonely.

I, like you, have the privilege of knowing the Love of my soul.

But God, in his compassion, used this time to draw me closer to Him and His perfect love. Learning of His deep love for my soul has been the basis of everything else God has taught me concerning life and marriage. In His Word, and over time and maturity, He has clearly shown His unfailing love – for me! I both know and believe … He calls me by name … He draws me with loving-kindness … He rejoices over me with singing … He always sees me as a bride … He fills my cup, my every need. God’s love for me does not fail. He has become my constant, my rock, my portion. Knowing Jesus’ love for my soul allows me to let go of the unattainable expectations I humanly tend to place on my husband. When these expectations have been lifted off Mac’s shoulders, I then can enjoy him; and he enjoys me.

Molly, I encourage you to seek and continually find the “great mystery” of life, Jesus Christ. His love for you is incredible, intentional, and infallible. Ryan’s love for you is a sweet reflection of this love; but the love of Christ is the real thing! Let the Lord Jesus be your satisfier, your security, and your stability so your husband can be your companion, your soul-mate, and your treasure. I pray Christ’s unfailing love will be the perfect bond of unity that ties your marriage together. Because then, you will live joyfully ever after, no matter the circumstances.

Love, Chris

“And I will betroth you to Me forever; yes, I will betroth you to Me in righteousness and in justice, in loving-kindness and in compassion, and I will betroth you to Me in faithfulness. Then you will know the Lord.”
~Hosea 2:19-20

But let everyone be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger.
~James 1:19

Dear Molly,

I realized very early in my marriage (around the second day) that Mac and I were two entirely different human beings with two entirely different thinking patterns! In my naivety, I thought because we were now “one” there would never be any conflict of interests or ideas. (I am laughing right now – I know you know how different Mac and I are!) What I have learned over these years, however, is to both marvel and respect the way God has uniquely designed my husband; and believe me, he is quite unique (even though he is an identical twin)! I encourage you to also appreciate the way God has created Ryan’s heart and mind. Realize conflicts will come, because you are different. Two ways I have learned not to handle these situations are:

Don’t be a pouter. This is the approach my personality is most likely to take. I don’t have to say anything; my lower lip says it all! Sometimes Mac has no idea I am even “punishing” him with this cold silent treatment, which of course makes me even angrier. Trust me, pouting does not resolve anything. Your husband cannot read your mind, so speak it with gentleness and respect.

Don’t be a shouter. Instead of the cold shoulder route, the “red-hot” approach can spew damaging and unnecessary fire into a relationship. Know that harsh words cannot be retrieved from the recipient’s heart. Believe “a gentle answer turns away wrath.” Proverbs 15:1

So we can’t pout and we can’t shout; what then is a woman to do?! My (still being learned) advice is threefold:

1. Pray. Before you speak to Ryan, speak to the Lord. Tell Him everything you feel about the particular situation between you and your husband. Pour out your heart before the Lord. He is full of understanding and mercy.

2. Gain perspective. Through prayer, God will help you to see the conflict through His eyes. Be willing to hear what He has to say through His word and His Spirit. Give the Living Water the opportunity to quench your fire. And then, be willing to …

3. Seek peace. Always know the Lord Jesus will call you to put aside malice and put on love. He is the author of peace, so through Him, you can resolve any conflict. Trust Him to help you keep peace in your marriage relationship.

Remember, Molly, Ryan is on your side. You are one, created for the purpose of walking together through life peacefully. Do not let the Enemy break your strides. Because marriage is God’s design, the Deceiver’s task is to destroy it. I encourage you to fight the Enemy, not your husband.

Love, Chris

Seek peace, and pursue it.
~Psalm 34:14

“How beautiful you are my darling, how beautiful you are!”
~Song of Solomon 1:15

“How handsome you are, my beloved, and so pleasant!”
~Song of Solomon 1:16

Dear Molly,

As you continue in your marriage to Ryan, you will find your lives together will fall into an everyday routine of life. For Ryan, his job will consist of daily stresses and pressures of work. For you, as a wife and homemaker, your to-do list will be ongoing and unending. To name a few: laundry will follow a flowing hill-mountain-hill pattern, while bills follow the incoming, outgoing, incoming, outgoing schedule; groceries will continue their disappearing act, while dust and clutter will steadily perform the opposite; the beds will be made and un-made for years to come, as well as the dishes – clean to unclean! The “ebb and flow” battle can be both exhausting and discouraging. I will give you two ways I’ve learned to fight discouragement in the “battle”:

My biggest advice to you personally is to ACCEPT! Accept the truthful statement that “a woman’s work is never done!” (I think that is what God was trying to tell us in Proverbs 31.) Through Christ’s strength and perspective (the secret of Proverbs 31), you can ATTACK your job joyfully without expectation of a finish-line or a reward. Know that God sees your work and He is pleased about the enduring heart-process more than the immediate hand-product. Someday you will cross the finish line, and you will receive a reward for your sacrificial love. Live for that day with great expectation.

Secondly, RETREAT! I encourage you to step out of the everyday routine of life and step into being a bride again. Keep “dating” your husband. When Mac takes me out, I put the laundry down, momentarily postpone the bill writing, forget about the clutter, and ENJOY. My husband is a breath of fresh air to me. He makes me smile; he makes me chuckle; and yes, he makes me belly-laugh. But if I do not “go away” with him, sometimes his sense of humor is not so funny. Instead, it can be quite irritating and untimely if you want the honest truth. (Sticking his finger in my mouth every time I yawn can get rather old, especially if I’ve got my hands in the kitchen sink full of dirty dinner dishes! But, if we have husband-wife time together, I remember this action is only Mac’s peculiar way of “flirting with his girlfriend.” … I realize Ryan may be rather normal – he may scratch your back or play with your hair. I, on the other hand, have accepted the fact that I get poked and jabbed and pinched with love!) Again, my point is, take time away together to reconnect. This will help you come back with renewed strength and perspective to the mountain-hill-mountain phenomena going on in your laundry room.

ACCEPT the high call of being a wife and homemaker and ATTACK with the unending perseverance of Christ. RETREAT on a timely basis with the love of your life and ENJOY your breath of fresh air.

Love, Chris

Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth.
~Proverbs 5:18

An excellent wife, who can find? For her worth is far above jewels.
~Proverbs 31:10

A soothing tongue is a tree of life, but perversion in it crushes the spirit.
~Proverbs 15:4

Dear Molly,

Years ago, when I was standing with Mac at our wedding ceremony, my pastor was directing words towards me concerning my role as a wife. He encouraged me to take the position as “cheerleader” for my husband. He said I would become the “heartbeat of the home,” both as a wife and then as a mother. Now, fifteen years and four children later, I have to say he was right. My disposition does affect the entire household. In this regard, I must choose daily, through Christ, to put my temporal, ever-swaying moods aside (God help me!) and “cheer” for my husband and family. The “heartbeat” of my words should be uplifting and directed, not deflating and misguided. My job, and yours, is to be our husband’s encourager each and every day in the home, so he may be adequately equipped when he walks out of the home.

My first piece of advice in this area of encouragement is to listen. There will be many days Ryan will come home exhausted and possibly defeated from a hard day’s work. Give him a “safe place” to escape the worries and stresses of this world. Hear him; pray for him. “The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain.” Proverbs 31:11

Secondly, speak. Use choice words. Always be ready to build into his character. Be consciously aware that the words you choose to say have a direct impact on the man Ryan will become. Your words can bring courage or cowardice into his heart. Be on his team; be his cheerleader. “A man (your husband) has joy in an apt answer, and how delightful is a timely word!” Proverbs 15:23

A third “worldly” thought: be careful to never shame your husband. Remember, God brought you to Ryan in order to help him, not hurt him – hold his hand; lift him up. Ryan does have weaknesses and he will make mistakes simply because he’s human. But your responsibility is to bring his character, strengths and weaknesses, before the Lord. God always desires to use weakness as an opportunity to display His strength. Allow Him to work; do not crush his spirit while God is trying to mold it. God’s purpose is to make your man a mighty warrior for His glory. Partner with the One who can do all things!

Love, Chris

An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, but she who shames him is as rottenness in his bones.
~Proverbs 12:4

Her husband is known in the gates, when he sits among the elders of the land.
~Proverbs 31:23