The Lord appeared to him from afar, saying “I have loved you with an everlasting love; therefore I have drawn you with loving-kindness.”
~Jeremiah 31:3

And as the bridegroom rejoices over the bride, so your God will rejoice over you.
~Isaiah 62:5

Dear Molly,

I, like you, had the privilege of marrying the love of my life.

I am so thankful to be married to my “knight-in-shining armor.” In the very early stages of “wedded bliss,” I learned my first lesson concerning marriage. After only a few months, I became very aware of the fact that my “knight” was human. He got tired; he made mistakes; sometimes, he failed me completely. I became confused and disappointed because I thought he was to be the one to “fill my cup.” I expected him to meet my every need. Where had the in-love feeling of the anticipating engagement gone? The “happily ever after” had been invaded too quickly by the reality of life. Mac’s love letters were replaced with the hard, exhausting work of a medical resident. I was in a new city, away from all family. As a newlywed, life with my love was hard; and I was lonely.

I, like you, have the privilege of knowing the Love of my soul.

But God, in his compassion, used this time to draw me closer to Him and His perfect love. Learning of His deep love for my soul has been the basis of everything else God has taught me concerning life and marriage. In His Word, and over time and maturity, He has clearly shown His unfailing love – for me! I both know and believe … He calls me by name … He draws me with loving-kindness … He rejoices over me with singing … He always sees me as a bride … He fills my cup, my every need. God’s love for me does not fail. He has become my constant, my rock, my portion. Knowing Jesus’ love for my soul allows me to let go of the unattainable expectations I humanly tend to place on my husband. When these expectations have been lifted off Mac’s shoulders, I then can enjoy him; and he enjoys me.

Molly, I encourage you to seek and continually find the “great mystery” of life, Jesus Christ. His love for you is incredible, intentional, and infallible. Ryan’s love for you is a sweet reflection of this love; but the love of Christ is the real thing! Let the Lord Jesus be your satisfier, your security, and your stability so your husband can be your companion, your soul-mate, and your treasure. I pray Christ’s unfailing love will be the perfect bond of unity that ties your marriage together. Because then, you will live joyfully ever after, no matter the circumstances.

Love, Chris

“And I will betroth you to Me forever; yes, I will betroth you to Me in righteousness and in justice, in loving-kindness and in compassion, and I will betroth you to Me in faithfulness. Then you will know the Lord.”
~Hosea 2:19-20

But let everyone be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger.
~James 1:19

Dear Molly,

I realized very early in my marriage (around the second day) that Mac and I were two entirely different human beings with two entirely different thinking patterns! In my naivety, I thought because we were now “one” there would never be any conflict of interests or ideas. (I am laughing right now – I know you know how different Mac and I are!) What I have learned over these years, however, is to both marvel and respect the way God has uniquely designed my husband; and believe me, he is quite unique (even though he is an identical twin)! I encourage you to also appreciate the way God has created Ryan’s heart and mind. Realize conflicts will come, because you are different. Two ways I have learned not to handle these situations are:

Don’t be a pouter. This is the approach my personality is most likely to take. I don’t have to say anything; my lower lip says it all! Sometimes Mac has no idea I am even “punishing” him with this cold silent treatment, which of course makes me even angrier. Trust me, pouting does not resolve anything. Your husband cannot read your mind, so speak it with gentleness and respect.

Don’t be a shouter. Instead of the cold shoulder route, the “red-hot” approach can spew damaging and unnecessary fire into a relationship. Know that harsh words cannot be retrieved from the recipient’s heart. Believe “a gentle answer turns away wrath.” Proverbs 15:1

So we can’t pout and we can’t shout; what then is a woman to do?! My (still being learned) advice is threefold:

1. Pray. Before you speak to Ryan, speak to the Lord. Tell Him everything you feel about the particular situation between you and your husband. Pour out your heart before the Lord. He is full of understanding and mercy.

2. Gain perspective. Through prayer, God will help you to see the conflict through His eyes. Be willing to hear what He has to say through His word and His Spirit. Give the Living Water the opportunity to quench your fire. And then, be willing to …

3. Seek peace. Always know the Lord Jesus will call you to put aside malice and put on love. He is the author of peace, so through Him, you can resolve any conflict. Trust Him to help you keep peace in your marriage relationship.

Remember, Molly, Ryan is on your side. You are one, created for the purpose of walking together through life peacefully. Do not let the Enemy break your strides. Because marriage is God’s design, the Deceiver’s task is to destroy it. I encourage you to fight the Enemy, not your husband.

Love, Chris

Seek peace, and pursue it.
~Psalm 34:14

“How beautiful you are my darling, how beautiful you are!”
~Song of Solomon 1:15

“How handsome you are, my beloved, and so pleasant!”
~Song of Solomon 1:16

Dear Molly,

As you continue in your marriage to Ryan, you will find your lives together will fall into an everyday routine of life. For Ryan, his job will consist of daily stresses and pressures of work. For you, as a wife and homemaker, your to-do list will be ongoing and unending. To name a few: laundry will follow a flowing hill-mountain-hill pattern, while bills follow the incoming, outgoing, incoming, outgoing schedule; groceries will continue their disappearing act, while dust and clutter will steadily perform the opposite; the beds will be made and un-made for years to come, as well as the dishes – clean to unclean! The “ebb and flow” battle can be both exhausting and discouraging. I will give you two ways I’ve learned to fight discouragement in the “battle”:

My biggest advice to you personally is to ACCEPT! Accept the truthful statement that “a woman’s work is never done!” (I think that is what God was trying to tell us in Proverbs 31.) Through Christ’s strength and perspective (the secret of Proverbs 31), you can ATTACK your job joyfully without expectation of a finish-line or a reward. Know that God sees your work and He is pleased about the enduring heart-process more than the immediate hand-product. Someday you will cross the finish line, and you will receive a reward for your sacrificial love. Live for that day with great expectation.

Secondly, RETREAT! I encourage you to step out of the everyday routine of life and step into being a bride again. Keep “dating” your husband. When Mac takes me out, I put the laundry down, momentarily postpone the bill writing, forget about the clutter, and ENJOY. My husband is a breath of fresh air to me. He makes me smile; he makes me chuckle; and yes, he makes me belly-laugh. But if I do not “go away” with him, sometimes his sense of humor is not so funny. Instead, it can be quite irritating and untimely if you want the honest truth. (Sticking his finger in my mouth every time I yawn can get rather old, especially if I’ve got my hands in the kitchen sink full of dirty dinner dishes! But, if we have husband-wife time together, I remember this action is only Mac’s peculiar way of “flirting with his girlfriend.” … I realize Ryan may be rather normal – he may scratch your back or play with your hair. I, on the other hand, have accepted the fact that I get poked and jabbed and pinched with love!) Again, my point is, take time away together to reconnect. This will help you come back with renewed strength and perspective to the mountain-hill-mountain phenomena going on in your laundry room.

ACCEPT the high call of being a wife and homemaker and ATTACK with the unending perseverance of Christ. RETREAT on a timely basis with the love of your life and ENJOY your breath of fresh air.

Love, Chris

Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth.
~Proverbs 5:18

An excellent wife, who can find? For her worth is far above jewels.
~Proverbs 31:10

A soothing tongue is a tree of life, but perversion in it crushes the spirit.
~Proverbs 15:4

Dear Molly,

Years ago, when I was standing with Mac at our wedding ceremony, my pastor was directing words towards me concerning my role as a wife. He encouraged me to take the position as “cheerleader” for my husband. He said I would become the “heartbeat of the home,” both as a wife and then as a mother. Now, fifteen years and four children later, I have to say he was right. My disposition does affect the entire household. In this regard, I must choose daily, through Christ, to put my temporal, ever-swaying moods aside (God help me!) and “cheer” for my husband and family. The “heartbeat” of my words should be uplifting and directed, not deflating and misguided. My job, and yours, is to be our husband’s encourager each and every day in the home, so he may be adequately equipped when he walks out of the home.

My first piece of advice in this area of encouragement is to listen. There will be many days Ryan will come home exhausted and possibly defeated from a hard day’s work. Give him a “safe place” to escape the worries and stresses of this world. Hear him; pray for him. “The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain.” Proverbs 31:11

Secondly, speak. Use choice words. Always be ready to build into his character. Be consciously aware that the words you choose to say have a direct impact on the man Ryan will become. Your words can bring courage or cowardice into his heart. Be on his team; be his cheerleader. “A man (your husband) has joy in an apt answer, and how delightful is a timely word!” Proverbs 15:23

A third “worldly” thought: be careful to never shame your husband. Remember, God brought you to Ryan in order to help him, not hurt him – hold his hand; lift him up. Ryan does have weaknesses and he will make mistakes simply because he’s human. But your responsibility is to bring his character, strengths and weaknesses, before the Lord. God always desires to use weakness as an opportunity to display His strength. Allow Him to work; do not crush his spirit while God is trying to mold it. God’s purpose is to make your man a mighty warrior for His glory. Partner with the One who can do all things!

Love, Chris

An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, but she who shames him is as rottenness in his bones.
~Proverbs 12:4

Her husband is known in the gates, when he sits among the elders of the land.
~Proverbs 31:23

And by the seventh day God completed His work which He had done; and He rested on the seventh day from all His work …
~Genesis 2:2

Dear Molly,

I encourage you to allow Ryan to freely pursue a hobby. Over the years, I have discovered that Mac’s temporary absence has brought him more energy when he is physically present. He will appreciate you when you give him the freedom to go and enjoy. Give him time to relax in an enjoyed setting.

I must admit, in the early years of marriage, this “hobby idea” was much more difficult than it is today. There were times I had to force a friendly smile when he walked out the door to go play golf or go hunt. We learned together how to give to each other. Here are some guidelines to pray for and discuss with Ryan concerning time away from home:

1. Pray his outlet would not become more time-consuming than it should be. Discuss with Ryan a reasonable amount of time to be away from you and the children. This time will vary over the years. For example, Mac used to hunt alone, leaving all four young ones behind with me (these were my “forced-smile” years). But now, both boys and sometimes Emmy can go enjoy with him. So the amount of time away has lengthened. And instead of saying, “hurry home,” Maggie and I say, “take your time!”

2. Pray his outlet would bring him godly friends to keep him accountable throughout his life. I am humbly thankful to God for the incredible friends Mac has gained through hunting. They speak truth into him, which is a blessing to me.

3. Pray his outlet would make him a better husband and a better daddy when he comes home. Pray that God would use this time to work in his heart – to refill and refresh him to “get back in the game” of life.

Now Molly, in the same way you are showing Ryan love by giving him “time,” I encourage you to ALSO TAKE THIS KIND OF TIME FOR YOURSELF. You, too, need refreshment from the everyday-life routine. Do not neglect yourself in this way – it’s easy to do, so be careful. Again, pray and discuss with Ryan the guidelines concerning your outlet.

Give time away; enjoy time away; and then, love time together.

Love, Chris

How precious is Thy loving-kindness, O God!
And the children of men take refuge in the shadow of Thy wings.
They drink their fill of the abundance of Thy house;
And Thou dost give them to drink the river of Thy delights.
~Psalm 36:7-8

For this cause a man shall leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife; and they shall become one flesh.
~Genesis 2:24

Her children rise up and bless her; her husband also … praises her.
~Proverbs 31:28

…and let her works praise her in the gates.
~Proverbs 31:31

Dear Molly,

I encourage you to always remember your God-given priorities as a married woman. You, from the day of your wedding ceremony, have the high privilege to be called “wife.” This is your first title, and always your first responsibility, before any other relationship. In God’s eyes, this position is a high place of honor. The marriage relationship is meant to be a beautiful representation of God’s commitment of everlasting love to His people. He desires your marriage to Ryan to display this kind of sweet love. Realize your devotion to Ryan will ultimately bring glory to the Lord. So keep Ryan top priority – love him well, with the love of Christ.

Secondly, Lord willing, you will be given the title “mother.” With this role you will experience a broad spectrum of emotions – from inexplicable delight to absolute exasperation, from endless energy to sheer exhaustion, from sweet moments of bliss to enduring trials of teething and tantrums. Mothering will take all of your day and some (years) of your nights. How then do we keep “wife” as number one priority? Realize that keeping your husband first is not defined by amount of time spent in each role; it’s a matter of the heart. Your heart needs to stay devoted to your husband as you love your children. He needs to know where he stands with you, and so do your children, for that matter. I have read, and do believe it is true, a child will find a strong sense of security in their parents’ love for each other. In this case, they are never forced to “pick sides.” Realize Ryan, who will have earned the title “daddy,” will be one of your greatest assets in your mothering. Parenting is a partnership. I encourage you to “lock arms” with him and walk this road together prayerfully. Children are gifts from God … enjoy your gifts, created by your love, together.

The third priority is using any other gifting God has uniquely blessed you with. Do not feel pressure to seek this “other” out, especially while the kids are young. God will let you know what and when and how to serve Him. Again, keep your heart deeply devoted to your husband and your children. Do not allow this “other” gifting to take your best emotional and physical energy from you. The world will tell you just the opposite; the “other” is more rewarding and satisfying. But listen to the Lord. He says an excellent wife is worth “far above jewels.” Stay on the route of richness found in Him – wife, mother, other.

Love, Chris

A woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised.
~Proverbs 31:30